I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
