He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Sorry about my life...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
