There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
