That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
