he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Two words: blizzard sex
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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