Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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