i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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