Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
