Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Come share oat with me in your robe
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
