Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
