It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
