Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
