The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
