i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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