You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You can't motorboat a personality
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I have fence marks all over my body
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
