Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Panties = found
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