is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
