There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
