You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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