You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
