I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
