I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
