It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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