last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
