I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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