I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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