tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
