Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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