____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Randomize
