Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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