I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
