i can't believe i had my finger in that
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
