Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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