don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
