drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
