Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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