If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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