Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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