Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You dont lie about slip and slides
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
