the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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