i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
