I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
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I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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