Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
