She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
