sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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