GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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