I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
