so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
