Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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