so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
