I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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