Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
