I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
