final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
