Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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