Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
