Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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