I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
