Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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