I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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