Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
