why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
